Mother Goose for Grownups/The Commendable Castigation of Old Mother Hubbard

She was one of those creatures Whose features Are hard beyond any reclaim; And she loved in a hovel To grovel, And she hadn’t a cent to her name. She owned neither gallants Nor talents; She borrowed extensively, too, From all of her dozens Of cousins, And never refunded a sou: Yet all they said in abuse of her Was: “She is prouder than Lucifer!” (That, I must say, without meaning to blame,     Is always the way with that kind of a dame!)

There never was jolli- Er colley Than Old Mother Hubbard had found, Though cheaply she bought him, She’d taught him To follow her meekly around: But though she would lick him And kick him, It never had any effect; He always was howling And growling, But goodness! What could you expect? Colleys were never to flourish meant ’Less they had plenty of nourishment, All that he had were the feathers she’d pluck Off an occasional chicken or duck.

The colley was barred in           The garden, He howled and he wailed and he whined. The neighbors indignant, Malignant Petitions unanimous signed. “The nuisance grows nightly,” Politely They wrote. “It’s an odious hound, And either you’ll fill him, Or kill him, Or else he must go to the pound. For if this howling infernally Is to continue nocturnally— Pardon us, ma’am, if we seem to be curt— Somebody’s apt to get horribly hurt!”

Mother Hubbard cried loudly And proudly: “Lands sakes! But you give yourselves airs! I’ll take the law to you And sue you.” The neighbors responded: “Who cares? We none of us care if           The sheriff Lock every man jack of us up; We won’t be repining At fining So long as we’re rid of the pup!”

They then proceeded to mount a sign, Bearing this ominous countersign: “     ”

They marched to her gateway, And straightway They trampled all over her lawn; Most rudely they harried And carried Her round on a rail until dawn. They marred her, and jarred her, And tarred her And feathered her, just as they should, Of speech they bereft her, And left her With: “Now do you think you’ll be good!”

’s a charmingly pleasing one. While we would deprecate teasing one, Still, when a dame has politeness rebuffed, She certainly ought to be collared and cuffed.