Leo Tolstoy: His Life and Work/Chapter 10

Romance
I have now to relate one of the most important passages of Tolstoy's life, embracing the history of his falling in love. It did not lead to marriage, still, in my opinion, it must have had a very great influence on his life. Like many other episodes, it brings out very clearly certain traits of his character, such as, in the first place, his ardent, impulsive nature, and next the power exercised by his supreme guide, reason, which keeps the passions under control and directs them to a good end; lastly, the simplicity, sincerity, and chivalry of his character. We see this both where his actions are determined by the highest principles, and also in connection with the petty details of everyday life. The story is interesting in itself as dealing with the relations between a man and a woman, and giving in connection therewith a grave and instructive experience, by attention to which young people might be saved from a great deal of unhappiness. In Tolstoy's life up to this time there had already been a few incipient love affairs, but they had led to nothing. The strongest case was that of his boyish affection for Sonichka Kaloshin. this was followed by the affair of Z. N. while he was at the University; but the love really only existed in his own imagination, Z. N. herself hardly knew anything about it. The Cossack girls has been mentioned already. After this there was a kind of a society love affair with Madame S., of which she herself probably was scarcely conscious; Tolstoy was always shy and reserved in connection with such matters. However, his love for V. A. was a more powerful and serious feeling. Their relations had become thoroughly understood and avowed and had been declared to a circle of relatives and acquaintances as those of lovers. Unfortunately, Tolstoy's extensive and interesting correspondence with this girl cannot yet be published owing to circumstances beyond my control, and I have to confine myself to a short summary of its contents. Let us remember how, in a letter from Sebastopol, Tolstoy complained of the want of female society and expressed his fear of becoming incapacitated for it and thus depriving himself of the possibility of married life, which he held in high honor. Thoughts of women and family life were constantly in his mind after he returned from the campaign, and on his way through Moscow he was struck by a good-looking girl, the daughter of a landowner of the neighborhood, the result being, in no long time, a romantic mutual attachment. The first letter is written by Tolstoy from Yasnaya Polyana to Moscow where the young lady was staying. the family she live in comprised an aunt, a fashionable lady who was fond of court life, and three sisters; besides this lady's nieces and Zh., and also a French governess. After spending the summer Sudakovo, a country place not far from Yasnaya Polyana, they moved to Moscow in August to be present at the coronation festivities of Aleksandr II on August 26, 1856. The young lady enjoyed herself very much during the festivities, and in a letter to Tolstoy's aunt, she described them in enthusiastic language. This letter was the first disappointment to Tolstoy. As he was attracted by the girl, he could not help looking upon her as his possible life-companion, and he thought he ought to explain to her his views of social and family life; but he was disagreeably surprised by finding himself completely misunderstood, the lady's attitude toward sundry questions of the highest importance being one of absolute indifference. However, he still hoped to influence her in the right direction, in reliance on her young and susceptible nature, and finding her by no means unsympathetic, he used all his eloquence to make her take a serious view of their relations. Consequently, his letters breathe the most tender solicitude for her, are full of precepts relating to trifles, but leading incidentally to general questions of philosophy. Now and then, in distress at her lack of comprehension, he would write in a bitter sarcastic tone; then, again, he would soften down to a tender caress as from a father to his child. In one letter he expresses his horror and despair at the discovery how unworthy of her, as he held, were the objects in which she took an interest. In fact, he mercilessly jeers at the young lady's passion for coronation festivities, balls, parades, and flirtations with aides-de-camp, and ends his letter with a portentously affected sentence. For a long time he got no answer. He was agitated, wrote again, begged for forgiveness, and at last succeeded in eliciting a good-humored reply. It appears from his letters that after the coronation the family returned to Sudakovo, where Tolstoy was often in their house, and that the mutual inclination grew and strengthened. But Tolstoy was not the man to be carried away blindly and heedlessly by his feelings. He resolved to submit their attachment to the test of time and distance, and he went to stay at St. Petersburg for two months. From Moscow he wrote a letter in which he attempted a sort of education of the young lady, which letter makes it plain that what is called the passion of love did not exist between them. He goes very fully into the question of mutual attraction and insists upon the very great significance of marriage, and finally he explains his determination to put their friendship to the test of a temporary separation. Though this did not appeal to the young lady, whose affections were strongly engaged, yet she agreed, and they kept up a correspondence. Before long, Tolstoy had to go through a new trial not imposed by himself, but coming from without. While in St. Petersburg, he learned from a trustworthy source that this "charming girl" allowed her pianoforte teacher, Mortier, to make love to her, and that, in fact, she fell in love with him. And all this took place during those unfortunate coronation fetes. It is true she tried hard to counteract this feeling, and she even broke off all relations with Mortier, but the very fact of this sudden love affair was a frightful shock to Tolstoy. Under the impulse of the bitter feeling called forth by this discovery, he wrote to her a letter full of reproaches, but evidently relenting, he never posted it. Then he wrote another, which was posted. In this he also referred somewhat severely to the flirtation with Mortier. One can, of course, easily notice that the discovery made by Tolstoy of the continued relations of the lady with Mortier caused an incurable wound to his developing love, and that he did not cut short his relations with her only because he thought nature and time would fulfil the operation better. From that time they became more of comrades, and only at rare intervals, and then, I presume, more in imagination, did the flame of love show itself. Getting no answer to his letter, and having very probably satisfied himself with the argument that "pas de nouvelles -- bonnes nouvelles," he continued to influence her life rather as her teacher than as her lover and wrote her a detailed letter concerning their possible relations in the future, setting forth for her a minute plan of their duties, surroundings, circle of acquaintances, and apportionment of time, and trying to get his future life-companion interested in serious and vital questions. He did not receive any answer to his letters for a long time and remained somewhat in doubt. At last he was rewarded for his patience by receiving several belated letters all at once, and the relations between the two friends became again very loving. He initiates her in his literary plans, describes his life in St. Petersburg and continues to develop his pure and high ideals of family life to her. However, the beginning of doubt which had crept into Tolstoy's mind is more evident in these last letters. Through the expressions of love a kind of oppressive feeling betrays itself, as the outcome of their somewhat artificial relations. This false not becomes obvious also to her, the intensity of their mutual feeling grew less, and both were on the lookout for an honorable escape. In a letter to his aunt Tatyana, Tolstoy confessed the cooling down of his love and asked her advice in this difficulty. The letter was written in Moscow, to which place he went early in December and remained till the end of the month.

Moscow, Dec. 5, 1856. You again write to me about V. in the same tone in    which you have always spoken to me about her, and I again answer in the way in which I have always answered. Just as I had left, and for a week later, it appeared to me    that I was in love, as it is called, but with my     imagination, that is not difficult. At present, and especially since I have strenuously taken to work, I    would like, and very much like, to say that I am in love with or simply love her, but this is not the case. The one feeling I have toward her is gratitude for her love, and also the thought that of all the girls I have known and do know, she would have been the best for my wife, as    I understand married life. It is in this that I would like to know your candid opinion as to whether I am    mistaken or not, and I desire your advice, firstly, because you know both her and me, and, above all, because you love me, and those who love are never mistaken. It    is true that I have tested myself very unsatisfactorily, for since I left I have been leading a solitary life, rather than a dissipated one, and have seen very little of women, but notwithstanding this, I have often had minutes of vexation with myself for having so closely approached her and have repented of it. Still, I say that were I once convinced of the constancy of her nature and sure that she would always love, if not as much as    she does now, at least more than she does any one else, I would not hesitate a minute to marry her. I am sure that in that case my love toward her would continually increase, and that by means of this feeling she could become a noble woman."

His letter to the young lady had now become cool and argumentative. He still used the words "in love," but, it seemed, only playfully, without the former enthusiasm. He addressed his letters to St. Petersburg, where she went to spend the winter season -- an ambition she had cherished for a long time. The coldness in the tone of his letters did not escape her, and she wrote to him with loving reproach. Two kind letters from her resulted in some return of love on his part; he sent her a letter written in a soft tone, and with some warmth of expression. In a subsequent letter, Tolstoy confesses that he is "losing his head," and tries to define "love" by reference to the mutual education that comes of it. However, as may be seen, they could never a tree as to what love precisely was, and the more sincerely and cordially Tolstoy expressed his thoughts and his feeling for her, the less they penetrated her soul and the more resistance she offered. This same resistance his last letter failed to overcome, and her reply made him change his tone, and friendship took the place of love. After this there followed and interruption of three weeks. Very evidently their relations had changed and turned into friendship. Tolstoy meanwhile settled in St. Petersburg in order to prosecute his literary work. They exchanged letters once more; however, nothing was arranged, and she forbade him to write to her. But he continued to write, confessing his guilt toward her and himself. He further tells her that he is going abroad and gives her his address in Paris, begging her to write to him there, were it even for the last time. Finally, before he left Moscow for abroad, he wrote to his aunt about the whole matter.

Dear Aunt -- I have received my passport for abroad and have come to Moscow, intending to pass a few days with marie and then go to Yasnaya to arrange my affairs and take leave of you.

But I have now changed my mind, chiefly on    Mashinka's advice, and have decided to remain with her here a week or two and then go direct by Warsaw to Paris. You probably understand, dear Aunt, why I do not wish to    come to Yasnaya now, or rather to Sudakovo, and even ought not to do so. I think I have behaved very badly in    relation to V., but by seeing her now, I should behave yet worse still. As I have written to you, I am more than indifferent to her and fear I can no longer deceive either myself or her. Whereas, if I came, I might perhaps, owing to weakness of character, again deceive myself.

Do you remember, dear Aunt, how you laughed at me    when I told you that I was leaving for St. Petersburg that I might test myself, yet it is to this idea that I    owe the fact of not having made the unhappiness of this young lady and myself, for do not think that it was inconstancy or infidelity. No one has taken my fancy during these two months, but I have simply come to see that I was deceiving myself, and that I have not only never had, but never shall have, the slightest feeling of    true love for V.  The only thing which greatly pains me     is that I have injured the young lady, and that I shall not be able to take leave of you before my departure. I    intend returning to Russia in July, but should you desire it, I will come to Yasnaya to embrace you, for I shall have time to get your answer at Moscow.

After this, Tolstoy really got away, and from Paris, in reply to a letter from his old sweetheart, which he received there, he wrote to her his last friendly letter, in which he speaks of his feeling as of a mistake belonging to the past, thanks her for her friendship, and wishes her happiness. Tolstoy's aunt evidently did not approve of this rupture, as she was desirous to see her nephew married, and before long she reproached him for his inconstancy, even accusing him of having acted dishonorably toward the girl who had been tormented with doubts and expectations on his account. In reply to this, Tolstoy wrote the following interesting letter:

By your letter, dear Aunt, I see that we do not at    all understand each other in regard to this affair. Although I confess that I was to blame, in having been inconstant, and that everything might have happened quite differently, yet I think I have acted quite honestly. I    have never ceased to say that I did not know the feeling that I had for the young lady, but that it was not love, and that I was anxious to test myself. The experience showed me that I was mistaken in my feeling, and I wrote about it to V. as plainly as I could.

After this, my relations with her have been so    sincere that I am sure the memory of them will never be     disagreeable, were she to marry, and it is for this reason that I wrote to her, saying that I would like to    hear from her. I do not see why a young man should necessarily either be in love with a girl and marry her or have no friendly relation with her at all, for as to    friendship and sympathy for her, I have always retained a great deal. Mademoiselle Vorgani, who wrote to me such a ridiculous letter, should have realized all my conduct in regard to V., how I endeavored to come as seldom as    possible, how it was she who engaged me to come oftener and to enter into nearer relations. I understand her being vexed that a thing she had greatly desired did not take place (I am perhaps more vexed than she), but that is no reason for telling a man who has endeavored to act in the best way possible, and who had made sacrifices for fear of rendering others unhappy, that he is a brute, and making every one else think so. I am sure Tula is    convinced I am the greatest monster."

Judging by this letter, one can imagine what impression the rupture made on the lady and her friends. A short time afterward, having learned from his aunt's letter that his old sweetheart's sister was getting married, his former feeling reawoke, and he wrote as follows:

As to V., I never lover her with a real love, but I    allowed myself to be drawn into tasting the evil pleasure of inspiring love, which afforded me an enjoyment which I had never know before.

But the time I have passed away from her has proved to me that I have no longing to see her again, much less to marry her. I feel only fear at the thought of the duties I should be obliged to fulfill toward her without loving her, and it is for this reason that I made up my    mind to go away sooner than I intended. I have behaved very ill; I have asked pardon of God, and I ask it of all those I have grieved, but it is impossible to repair matters, and now nothing in the world could make the thing begin anew. I desire all happiness to Olga; I am    enchanted with her marriage, but to you, my aunt, I     confess that of all things in this world, that which wold give me the greatest pleasure would be to learn that V.    was going to marry a man whom she loved and who was worthy of her; for although I have not got in the depth of my heart the slightest atom of love for her, I still regard her as a good and honorable girl.

Thus ended this short but pathetic affair, a most interesting passage in Tolstoy's life. Having known a period of strong agitation and outlived it, he, so to speak, turned to account this episode of his life, with the sensations which he experienced, by describing them in his novel "Family Happiness", in an artistic form, as anyone can see who compares the work of art with the author's actual life. We may in fact say that what is represented as taking place in the novel is the course of events which might have occurred in his real life, and the real romance was the commencement or prologue of the fiction. After this unsuccessful affair, Tolstoy resumed his literary and social activity.