Just Jemima/Chapter 7

NOTHER month had rolled awa', and I was still at "Seaview." I had decided to stop until further notice. It wasna perfect, but it might ha'e been worse.

"You have a good deal to learn yet, Jemima," Mrs. Parkins said, when she raised ma wages, "but if you continue as willing and cheerful as you have been, I'll be glad to have you stay."

"Oh, I'll keep willin'," I says, "and cheery likewise, though I could dae wi' a few fresh mugs aboot the place"

"Mugs?" she cries.

"Faces, mem," I explains. "Though it's a compliment to 'Seaview' and yoursel', and doubtless guid business, I fancy ye whiles feels it wearisome to see naething but the same auld faces devourin' their rations week after week, and"

"You really must not discuss the guests, Jemima," says she, but no' exactly sternlike. "I am pleased that they should make long stays, and so you ought to be, for every change means some extra work."

"Oh, I'm no' heedin' aboot the work," I says, "as long as there's a bit fun noo and then. At first I thought Mr. Shark—Shard, I mean—had the makin's o' a comic, but noo I see it was jist his whiskers, and I've got used to them."

"You must learn to control your tongue," she says. "It is quite possible," she adds, after blawin' her nose, "that I may have a new guest or two presently."

"Hurray!" says I. "Ony chance, mem, o' something in the juvenile line?"

"I cannot say, Jemima."

"Aweel," says I, "we must hope for the best, and try to bear wi' them that's up in years."

"Quite so," says she. "And now you can tidy the dressing-table."

"Wi' pleasure," says I. "My! but the Colonel's a whale for pomade!"

She gaed oot o' the room then, and I was left alone wi' ma thoughts, which was assorted and maistly private.

The cook had decided to try another month at "Seaview." She had been different ever since she pinched ma chocolates. She gaed oot when she got the chance, and whiles I see her wanderin' on the shore as if she was waitin' for something to happen. I was rael anxious to get her to gang in for a bath wi' me, but she said she perferred [sic] a natural death. So there's nae danger o' an extra high tide in the meantime.

She wasna the only person in the hoose that had ta'en a sudden fancy to the shore. On fine afternoons I noticed that Miss Tinto would slip awa' through the shore gate as if she wanted to be by hersel', and afterwards I would see her walkin' along the sand, pretendin' to read a book o' poetry. I'm sure she was pretendin', for I had a keek at it when she left it in the drawin'-room, and I couldna mak' head or tail o' it. Jist trash!

The first time she gaed to the shore, she carried a funny wee chair that folded up, and the first time she sat on it, its hind legs gaed doon in the soft sand, and she done a rare back fall. It was really splendid! I was lookin' frae a bedroom window, and I laughed like to end masel'. If only sich things would happen every day, "Seaview" would be cheery enough. But she never took the wee chair again.

Of course I had next to nae time for lookin' oot o' windows, and it was a while afore I discovered that Mr. Shark usually gaed along the shore to settle his lunch and gather marine rubbish. I wondered what the Colonel would say to this. He aye has a nap early in the afternoon.

One day, it bein' an afternoon off, I thought I would try the shore masel'! So, wi' a love story and a poke o' Pontefrat lozenges in ma bag, I sallied forth.

I gaed along to the rocks. There's fine bits o' dry sand amongst them, where ye can recline at your ease and imagine your wages is £50 a month. I lay doon and slipped five Pontefrats into ma mooth. Then I opened ma book.

But the scenery was really that attractive! The tide was oot, and the wet seaweeds wus shinin' in the sun like gold and silver. Ailsa Craig was fine and dear; I kept admirin' it, till, lo! and behold! I fell asleep.

When I cam' to masel' I heard voices which was kin' o' familiar. I rubbed ma eyes and keeked ower the rocks—and there was Miss Tinto and Mr. Shark! I jist as near as near let oot a "Kee-hoy!"

They was standin' close together, and what think ye he was holdin' up for her to see?

A wilk! Fancy that!

Then I heard him sayin' he was sorry he had left his knife at hame.

As ma fayther says, we should never pass an opportunity of daein' a guid turn, even to a worm, and afore ye could wink I was on ma feet addressin' Mr. Shark.

"Excuse me, sir," I says, respectfullike, "I can lend ye a pin, if that's what ye're wantin', but I would advise bilin' the wilk first, though I doubt it'll no' provide a great feast for twa persons."

Miss Tinto gi'ed a screech, but Mr. Shark bursted oot laughing.

"Why, it's the little housemaid," says he.

"Hoose-tablemaid, if ye please, sir," says I.

"Jemima, in fact," says he, still laughing, though Miss Tinto glowered at me.

"Jist Jemima," I replies, "and if ye like, sir, I'll be glad to gather a pint or twa, and I'm sure Mrs. Parkins would be pleased to gi'e ye a wilk course to your dinner. It'll no' be a great spread this evenin', I may tell you."

"A winkle course—what do you say to that, Miss Tinto?" he cries, in fits.

"Oh, horrors!" says she. "I'm sure we should all be poisoned."

"Nae fear o' that, mem," I tells her. "I grant ye, in Glasgow, ye might chance on a wilk that wasna jist the thing, but here they're bound to be the purest o' the pure."

At that she gi'ed a wee smile, and speired hoo I was likin' ma situation; and then Mr. Shark speired if I took ony interest in zoology. I said I was afraid I was keener on the Zoo than the Ology, but I was aye ready to learn.

"Well, Jemima," says he, "when you appeared, I was about to tell Miss Tinto something about the life of this little creature, and if you think you would be interested, I'm sure Miss Tinto would have no objections to your listening, too."

He gi'ed Miss Tinto a look, and she says quite kindly:—

"Come over here, Jemima, and hear what Mr. Shard has to say."

I thanked her and stepped ower, expectin' to hear a dry discoorse, and wishin' I had bided in ma corner, wi' ma love-story and Pontefrats.

But I was wrong. Afore he had been speakin' for twa minutes, I was as keen as mustard. What that man didna ken aboot wilks wasna worth the kennin', and the way he explained it a' was a fair treat. Ye would ha'e said he had been brought up wi' wilks; he couldna ha'e been mair familiar wi' his own brithers and sisters. He kent every bane in the wilk's body, every tooth in its head, what it liked to eat, hoo it stuck to the rock, and so forth. And noo and then he cracked a joke aboot its little ways. Oh, he was great I I canna say that Miss Tinto was as interested as masel'—she's no' very quick at the uptak'; but she done her best to look happy. I felt like runnin' hame and writin' a book called: "A Wilk's Bography."

I told Mr. Shark I was terrible obliged, and offered him ma Pontefrats. He took one wi' a smile, but Miss Tinto shook her head, though she smiled likewise. Then in case I might be spilin' a mild flirtation, I gi'ed them a kind fareweel and gaed back to ma corner and ma book.

But I couldna settle to read. Ma brain was fu' o' wilks—or, at least, thoughts aboot them. I wondered if Mr. Shark kent likewise aboot cockles and mussels and limpets and other dwellers in the deep, and if he would ever be likely to tell me aboot them. "Hoo marvellous is the works o' Nature!" I says to masel', as I put five Pontefrats in ma mooth, "and what intellects that man has congealed by his whiskers!"

Next mornin', whilst Mrs. Parkins was assistin' me to mak' the beds, I says to her:—

"Would ye say there was ony chance, mem, o' Mr. Shard and Miss Tinto makin' a match o' it?"

"Good Heavens!" she exclaims, "what nonsense is this, Jemima?"

"Oh, jist one o' ma silly notions, I suppose," I says humblelike. "Of course I can see that a marriage wouldna be guid business for 'Seaview,' mem."

"Really!" says she, a wee bit angrylike.

"But for a' that, mem," I says, "I'm sure ye would never seek to stand in the way o' sich bliss."

"You absurd girl!" says she, and thumps at the bolster. "I shall be proud to see any marriage arranged in my house. It would give 'Seaview' quite a reputation."

"Bless me," says I, "I never thought o' it that way! Can ye no' work it? I'll help ye a' I can."

I hadna fancied she could laugh as she done then.

"No, no, Jemima," she says at last, "one must not interfere in such matters. But what reason can you have for coupling the names of my two guests?"

"Nae reason, mem; only a notion," I tells her. Then I speirs: "Would it be a guid match, think ye?"

She seemed to be considerin' afore she answered.

"Perhaps it would," she says, "They are both pretty much alone in the world, I believe. He has learning and she has some wealth, and they must be about the same age."

"Fine!" says I, gi'ein' a pillow a bash that near bursted it.

"Come, come," says she, "this will never do! You have an abominable way, Jemima, of leading me on to discuss my guests. It must not occur again. Do you hear?"

"Ay, mem."

I was disappinted, but no' entirely cast doon. I had a crack wi' Frederick when he was assistin' me to wash up, that night, and though he wasna vera encouragin', he didna laugh at me. Frederick's unco nice that way: maist chaps aye laugh at the wrong time. I didna mention it to the cook. She could dae wi' a man for hersel', but she couldna be romantic aboot other folk.

I made up ma mind to never spy on Mr. Shark and Miss Tinto; but I didna promise to keep ma eyes shut every time they was within sight.

When I cam' to say my prayers that night, I apologised for ever ha'ein' ill thoughts o' him and her, and minded my fayther's saying against judgin' folk frae their ootsides. Still, it seemed a pity that she should be sae green regardin' a bad man like the Colonel, and that he should disfigure hissel' wi' thon whiskers.

But, oh, what fun, thinks I, turnin' on ma side to sleep, if the weddin' comes off at "Seaview"! And I hoped that Mrs. Parkins would mak' a fine bit o' profit off the purveyin'. And frae that I began to imagine masel' settin' oot the tables wi' guid things—hams and bacons, and salmons and cods, and beefs and muttons, and peas and greens, and soups both thick and thin, and trifles and creams and jeelies and jams and rolies and tarts and sliders and figs and pineapples

Oh, dear! Oh, dear! I didna sleep weel that night!