Grimm Tales Made Gay/How Rumplestilz Held Out in Vain for a Bonus

In Germany there lived an earl Who had a charming niece: And never gave the timid girl A single moment’s peace! Whatever low and menial task His fancy flitted through, He did not hesitate to ask That shrinking child to do. (I see with truly honest shame you Are blushing, and I do not blame you. A tale like this the feelings softens, And brings the tears, as does “Two Orphans.”)

She had to wash the windows, and She had to scrub the floors, She had to lend a willing hand To fifty other chores: She gave the dog his exercise, She read the earl the news, She ironed all his evening ties, And polished all his shoes, She cleaned the tins that filled the dairy, She cut the claws of the canary, And then, at night, with manner winsome, When coal was wanted, carried in some!

But though these tasks were quite enough, He thought them all too few, And so her uncle, rude and rough, Invented something new. He took her to a little room, Her willingness to tax, And pointed out a broken loom And half a ton of flax, Observing: “Spin six pairs of trousers!” His haughty manner seemed to rouse hers. She met his scornful glances proudly— And for an answer whistled loudly!

But when the earl went down the stair She yielded to her fears. Gave way at last to grim despair, And melted into tears: When suddenly, from out the wall, As if he felt at home, There pounced a singularly small And much distorted gnome. He smiled a smile extremely vapid, And set to work in fashion rapid; No time for resting he deducted, And soon the trousers were constructed.

The girl observed: “How very nice To help me out this way!” The gnome replied: “A certain price Of course you’ll have to pay. I’ll call to-morrow afternoon, My due reward to claim, And then you’ll sing another tune Unless you guess my name!” He indicated with a gesture The pile of newly fashioned vesture: His eyes on hers a moment centered, And then he went, as he had entered.

As by this tale you have been grieved And heartily distressed, Kind sir, you will be much relieved To know his name she guessed: But if I do not tell the same, Pray count it not a crime— I’ve tried my best, and for that name I can’t find any rhyme! Yet spare me from remarks injurious: I will not leave you foiled and furious. If something must proclaim the answer, And I cannot, the title can, sir!

The Moral is: All said and done, There’s nothing new beneath the sun, And many times before, a title Was incapacity’s requital!