Character of a Grumbletonian


 * A Grumletonian! What's that -- in the Pope's Name? Why, 'tis the
 * First and Second Part of
 * Hickeringel -- a meer Composition of Curse-ye-meroz, and
 * The Black Non Conformist, as full of contradictions as of Nonsence:
 * an absolute Civil Quaker, that finds as many faults with the State as he with
 * the Church, and both for the same No-Reason. Tis a Hodge-podge of Malice,
 * Scurility, and Illnature, who has seldome Wit enough to keep him from Slavering,
 * or if he does now and then Stumble on some pleasant Notion; han't manners enough
 * to keep his Wit from Stinking. 'Tis a thing that was never Born to be contented
 * -- he's always Twisting and Wrigling, and has a Worm in his Tail as long as that
 * in his Head, -- see but how tenderly he Treads, you'd think he was under
 * Harry Hills's Course of Penance, and had all his Pea's in his Shooes
 * without Boyling 'em. 'Tis a hard matter that's the Truth on't, to tell what he
 * is, since he hardly knows it himself, nor does the froward Chit know what
 * 'twould have, tho' if any thing, it must be some Bawble or other that guiets
 * him. He handles the Government as the Turks do slaves, when they come to
 * be Sold -- Peeps all round it -- Trys and Gropes, whether it be Sound Wind and
 * Limb -- Looks Marvellous earnestly on its Physiognomy, pretending to Read its
 * Fortune, and if he has any skill 'twon't be long-liv'd, -- and yet after all his
 * prying as sharply as the Jesuite with his Prospective, all the Wise faults he
 * can find in't are, that the Nose and Complexion on't don't please him, He's hard
 * to be found, and yet every where, for he's as diligent and indefatigable, as
 * another that runs too and fro on the same business, and for the same Reason too,
 * because he knows his time is short. And now we talk of the Devil -- there's a
 * certain place within a Mile of hte Oake, where you are very likely to find him,
 * Settleing Church and State over a Dozen Bottles of Claret. He's very ready at
 * Quoting Presidents when they please him, and pretends to carry as Humble an
 * Implicite Faith about with him as e're a Catholick of 'em all, -- and Reason too
 * -- for this he finds a good Lazy Compendious way of Grumbling, without the long
 * Fatigue of Enquiry and Argument. By his Commending Tenderness of Conscience in
 * others, you'd be almose Tempted to belive he had some such thing himself, -- and
 * indeed who wou'd think any Man wou'd forswear himself by way of Civil
 * Conversation or so, a Hundred times a Day, and yet all o' the sudden Start and
 * Bogle at one single Oath of Allegiance? one would think he own'd a God too when
 * he seems afraid to Invoke his Name to a Lie, or beleiv'd in a Hell, when he says
 * he dares not comply for fear of Damnation.


 * He's an Irish Man Double gilt, -- a meer Teague Christianiz'd and
 * Reform'd into somewhat that looks like Humanity, -- but with much using the
 * Gilding wears off agen, and Mistress Puss must have a touch at the Mouse, tho'
 * she leaves her Spark Catter-wawling for the loss of her. There's so much
 * Discontent and Ingratitude, and Baseness, mixt with such a Profound Twang of
 * Laziness and Cowardise in the very Constitution of him, that Nature has as
 * perfectly markt him out for Slavery, as it he had great Lips and a Flat Nose
 * --he mainly Resembles the Inhabitants of the Cape -- bring 'em into any Country,
 * Dress 'em and give 'em Food fit for Humane Creatures, they'l do nothing but lie
 * upon the Ground, and Pine themselves to Death for their old belov'd Hogsty, and
 * long as passionately as a Teeming Woman, for a Savoury Mouthful of their old
 * Guts and Garbage. He's of a very Ancient Family that's the Truth on't and can
 * run ye up his Pedigree as high as Peter Heylin cou'd his own, or a
 * High-lander his Princes, for he'le tell ye, (if Modesty don't a little Confound
 * him) that some of his Relations had a strong Party among the Israelites


 * in the Wilderness -- and great men in the Congregation, he can assure ye some of
 * 'em were -- no less Names then Korah, Dathan and Abiram. They
 * call'd 'em Murmerers then, but that's but an old word for Grumbletonians. Tho'
 * he's heavy enough in some things where hast is requir'd, yet he's Nimble enough
 * in others -- Woe won't be a Serjeant at Arms if he was oblig'd to follow him a
 * whole Day to take him into Custody, for he has a Thousand Disguises, and is
 * almost at once in as many places. -- Here he appears in the shape of a
 * Gentleman, and Squats him down in a Coffee-House like the Toad at Eve's
 * Ear: Shakes Empty Poll very Emphatically -- takes up the Votes, finds fault with
 * one Damn'd Clause or other in 'em, Bites off the corner of 'em, and throws 'em
 * down in Dudgeon agen -- Snatches up the Gazet -- Men of Merit are not Prefer'd
 * -- (ay, there 'tis) here's a Company of I known't who got in, and he has nothing
 * -- not that he'd Act -- no -- not for a World -- he can't accept -- his
 * Conscience -- O -- it Grumbleth most Obstreperously, and there is no quieting of
 * the same. -- Look sharp Mr. Officer -- he's pulling up his Hatch, and if ye
 * don't have a care the Gentleman will be a Baker, and his Calash a Cart before ye
 * can call a Constable, -- for now all o'th' sudden he's an honest Country Farmer,
 * and mightily aggrieved that the Affairs of the Nation are settled without his
 * Spade and Flail to lend Assistance -- thinks he has Sweat and Voted, and Stunk
 * in a Crowd to some purpose -- Scratches his Head, and with some dry Bob of good
 * King James -- Exit Hobbinol -- but wou'd ye think it --who is now at the
 * turning of the next Corner? If these Cheating Eyes don't deceive me ha has got a
 * Parsons Gown on to hide his Cloven-Foot --nay, -- he'le pretend to be
 * Hamet -- Ben Hamet, and a Parsons Son too, -- he has his Ticket in's
 * Hand, and you'le see him at the Feast to Morrow, when the Sons of God met
 * together, we know who came among them -- Unfrock the Rascal for shame & let him
 * not abuse that Venerable Order -- d'ye see, he's in the Pulpit already -- his
 * Prayer is not long -- somewhat the shorter because ye hear no King
 * William and Queen Mary, -- his sermon -- the Ingratiude of this our
 * Age -- prepare for Persecution -- Two or Three silent Smiters more -- and he's
 * Vanished into the Tavern -- where that Disguise is soon thrown off, and he gets
 * another -- and yet what Reason shou'd there be to say a Man's Disguis'd when you
 * may Peep into the Soul of him, for row he appears in his proper Shape. -- Now
 * keep out of the way --for he Vomits all his Soul out -- O this Parliament --
 * here's Arbitrary with a Vengeance, -- Hoc est Parliamentum -- Habeas
 * Corpus where art thou? -- this will never do -- we will not suffer our King
 * to be thus -- these Oaths -- these -- certainly they'l never go down without
 * Buttering -- Ay, ay, -- teh Lawn Sleeves down next -- ye may see what they'd be
 * at -- these Pack of -- and then he Tumbles under Board -- and next Morning as
 * soon as his Head's Cool dispatches Packets to this Mayor, and t'other Alderman
 * in the Country, to Wheedle or Fright 'em into as great Knaves or Fools aas he
 * is himself. -- There's one infallible Mark more, by which you may be sure of
 * knowing him through all his Diguises -- as soon as he takes up this Paper -- (a
 * better Looking Glass then his own) he Starts back at the sight of his own ugly
 * Face -- falls a foming like a Sweet Singer, and Swears heartily the Authors a
 * Fanatick, tho' as Friend Ratcliff says, He might as well have Guest
 * him a Mahometan.


 * Licens'd according to Law,
 * May the I. 1689

LONDON, Printed and are to be Sold by Richard Janeway in Queens-Head-Alley in Pater-Noster-Row. MDCLXXXIX