An Essay in Defence of the Female Sex/Section 6

Impertinence comes next under Conideration, in which I hall be as brief, as I conveniently can, in regard I have been o long upon the precedeingpreceding [sic] Head. Impertinence is a humour of buying our elves about things trivial, and of no Moment in themelves, or uneaonably in things of no concern to us, or wherein we are able to do nothing to any Purpoe. Here our Adveraries inult over us, as if they had gain&rsquo;d an intire Victory, and the Field were indiputable; but they hall have no caue for Triumph, this is no Pot of uch mighty advantage as they fondly peruade themelves. This Preumption aries from an Erroneous Conceit, that all thoe things in which they are little concern&rsquo;d, or conulted, are triffles below their care or notice, which indeed they are not by Nature o well able to manage. Thus, when they hear us talking to, and adviing one another about the Order, Ditribution and Contrivance of Houhold Affairs, about the Regulation of the Family, and Government of Children and Servants, the provident management of a Kitchin, and the decent ordering of a Table, the uitable Matching, and convenient dipoition of Furniture and the like, they preently condemn us for impertinence. Yet they may be pleaed to conider, that as the affairs of the World are now divided betwixt us, the Dometick are our hare, and out of which we are rarely uffer&rsquo;d to interpoe our Sene. They may be pleaed to conider likewie, that as light and inconiderable as thee things eem, they are capable of no Pleaures of Sene higher or more refin&rsquo;d than thoe of Brutes without our care of &rsquo;em. For were it not for that, their Houes wou&rsquo;d be meer Bedlams, their mot luxurious Treats, but a rude confuion of ill Digeted, ill mixt Scents and Relihes, and the fine Furniture, they betow o much cot on, but an expenive heap of glittering Rubbih. Thus they are beholding to us for the comfortable Enjoyment of what their labour or good Fortune hath acquir&rsquo;d or betow&rsquo;d, and think meanly of our care only, becaue they undertand not the value of it. But if we hall be thought impertinent for Dicoures of this Nature, as I deny not but we ometimes jutly may, when they are uneaonable; what cenure mut thoe Men bear, who are perpetually talking of Politicks, State Affairs and Grievances to us, in which perhaps neither they, nor We are much concern&rsquo;d, or if we be, are not able to propoe, much les to apply any Remedy to &rsquo;em? Surely thee are impertinent; not to call the Beau, or Poetater on the Stage again, whoe whole Lives are one continued cene of Folly and Impertinence; let us make the bet of our News Monger. He is one whoe Brains having been once over-heated, retain omething in the Fire in &rsquo;em ever after. He mitakes his Paion for Zeal, and his Noie and Butling, for Services. He is always full of Doubts, Fears, and Jealouies, and is never without ome notable Dicovery of a deep laid Deign, or a dangerous Plot found out in a Meal Tub, or  Petticoat. He is a mighty Litner after Prodigies, and never hears of a Whale, or a Comet, but he apprehends ome udden Revolution in the State, and looks upon a Groaning-board, or a peaking-head, as fore-runners of the Day of Judgment. He is a great Lover of the King, but a bitter Enemy to all about him, and thinks it impoible for him to have any but Evil Counellors, and though he be very zealous for the Government, yet he never finds any thing in it but Grievances and Micarriages to declaim upon. He is a Well-wiher to the Church, but he is never to be reconcil&rsquo;d to the Bihops and Clergy, and rails mot inveterately at the Act of Uniformity. He hates Perecution implacably, and contends furiouly for Moderation, and can carce think well of the Toleration, because it is an Act of the State. He profees himself of the Church of England, pretends to like the Worhip of it, but he goes to Meetings in pight to the Paron of his Parih. His Concience is very tender and crupulous in Matters of Ceremony, but it is as teely and tough as Brawn behind his Counter, and can diget any Sin of Gain. He lodges at home, but he lives at the Coffee-houe. He converes more with News Papers, Gazettes and Votes, than with his Shop Books, and his contant Application to the Publick takes him off all Care for his Private Concern. He is always ettling the Nation, yet cou&rsquo;d never manage his own Family. He is a mighty Stickler at all Elections, and tho&rsquo; he has no Vote, thinks it impoible any thing hou&rsquo;d go right unles he be there to Bawl for it. His buines is at Home, but his thoughts are in Flanders, and he is earnetly inveting of Towns till the Sheriff&rsquo;s Officers beleaguer his Doors. He is buie inforcing of Countercarps, and torming of Breaches, while his Creditors take his Shop by urprize, and make Plunder of his Goods. Thus by mending the State, He marrs his own Fortune; and never leaves talking of the Laws of the Land, till the Execution of &rsquo;em ilence him. This ort of Impertinents the Coffee-houes are every day full of; nay, o far has this contagious Impertinence pread it elf, that Private Houes, and Shops, nay, the very Streets and Bulks are infected and peter&rsquo;d with Politicks and News. Not a Pot cou&rsquo;d go glibly down, or a titch go merrily forward without Namur, a while ago; &rsquo;twas Spice to the Porter&rsquo;s Ale, and Wax to the Cobler&rsquo;s Thread; the one upended his Draught, and the other his Awl to enquire what was become of the Rogue, and were very glad to hear he was taken, and expected no doubt he hou&rsquo;d come over and make &rsquo;em a Holy-day at his Execution. They were mightily rejoyc&rsquo;d at the Arreting of the Marechal Boufflers, and made no quetion but they hou&rsquo;d ee him amongt the ret of the Beats at Bartholomew Fair for Two Pence. This Folly of the Mob was in ome meaure excuable, becaue their Ignorance led &rsquo;em into an expectation of eeing what had given the World o much Trouble. But thoe that have better knowledge of things have no uch Plea, they ought to have been wier, than to have buied themelves o much and o earnetly about affairs, which all their care and Sollicitude could have no more Influence upon, than over the Weather. &rsquo;Twas pleaant to ee what Shoals the report of the arrival of a Holland, or Flanders Mail, brought to the Secretary&rsquo;s Office, the Pot Office, and the Coffee-Houes; every one Crowding to catch the News firt, which as oon as they had, they poted away like o many Exprees to dipere it among their Neighbours at more ditance, that waited with Ears prickt up to receive &rsquo;em, or walk&rsquo;d uneaily with a Foolih Impatience to and from the Door, or Window, as if their looking out o often wou&rsquo;d fetch &rsquo;em the ooner. Mot Men in their News are like Beau&rsquo;s in their Diet, the wort is welcome while &rsquo;tis freh and carce, and the bet is not worth a Farthing when it has been blown upon; and commonly they fare like Beau&rsquo;s, are fond of it while &rsquo;tis young and inipid, and neglect it when &rsquo;tis grown up to its full, and true relih. No ooner is it rumour&rsquo;d that a Breach is made in the Catle Wall, or the White Flag hung out, but a Council of War is call&rsquo;d in every Coffee-houe in Town; the French, and Dutch Prints, their Intelligencers are call&rsquo;d for immediately, and examin&rsquo;d, and not a Shot is mention&rsquo;d but they tart as if the Ball whizz&rsquo;d jut then by their Ears. After this follows a erious debate about a general Aault, and whether they hall torm immediately, or not; who hall begin the Attack; what Conditions hall be granted on Capitulation. The Catle of Namur thus taken, or Surrender&rsquo;d, they proceed to take their Meaures, and ettle the next Campaign, and whatever harm we uffer by thoe micheivous French in the Field, they are ure to take ufficient Revenge, and pay &rsquo;em off Swingingly in the Coffee-houes: But as if this were not enough, Our greatet Actions mut be Buffoon&rsquo;d in Show, as well as Talk. Shall Namur be taken and our Hero&rsquo;s of the City not how their Prowes upon o great an Occaion? It mut never be aid, that the Coffee-houes dar&rsquo;d more than Moor-Fields; No, for the honour of London, out comes the Foreman of the Shop very Formidable in Buff and Bandileers, and away he marches with Feather in Cap, to the general Rendezvous in the Artillery Ground. There thee terrible Mimicks of Mars are to pend their Fury in Noie and Smoke, upon a Namur erected for that purpoe on a Mole-hill, and by the help of Guns and Drums out-tink and out-rattle Smith-field in all its Bravery, and wou&rsquo;d be too hard for the greatet Man in all France, if they had him but amongt &rsquo;em. Yet this is but Skirmihing, the hot Service is in another Place, when they engage the Capons and Quart Pots; never was Onet more Vigorous, For they come to Handy-Blows immediately, and now is the real cutting and lahing, and Tilting without Quarter, Were the Towns in Flanders all wall&rsquo;d with Beef, and the French as good meat as Capons, and dret the ame way, the King need never beat his Drums for Soldiers; all thee Gallant Fellows wou&rsquo;d come in Voluntarily, the meanet of which wou&rsquo;d be able to eat a Marechal, and whom nothing cou&rsquo;d oppoe in conjunction. Nothing is more common, and familiar than this ort of Impertinence; Mot Men wou&rsquo;d have little to do, did they buie themelves about nothing, but what they undertood, or were concern&rsquo;d in. A Monkey is not liker a Man in his Figure, than in his humour. How ready are all Mankind to cenure without Authority, and to give advice unaskt, and without reaon. They are very much mitaken, that think this forwardnes to thrut themelves into other&rsquo;s affairs, prings from any Principle of Charity or Tendernes for &rsquo;em, or the leat Regard to the Welfare of their Neighbours. &rsquo;Tis only a Vain Conceit that they are wier, and more able to advie, which puts &rsquo;em upon engaging in things they have nothing to do with, and paing their Judgments Magiterially on matters they have no Cognizance of, and generally little Information, or Skill in. They are deirous the World hou&rsquo;d have as great an Opinion of &rsquo;em as they have of themelves, and therefore impertinently interpoe their own Authority and Sense, tho&rsquo; never o little to the purpoe, only to hew how well they cou&rsquo;d manage, were it their Buines; thus they advie without good intention, or kindnes, and cenure without deign, or malice to the Perons counell&rsquo;d, or reflected on,on. [sic] Thee buzzing Inects warm as thick every where, and are as troubleome as Muskettoes in the West-Indies. They are perpetually in a hurry of Buines, yet are forc&rsquo;d to rack their Inventions to employ their Leiure. They are very buie for every Body, and erve no Body. They are always in hat, and think themelves expected every where with Impatience, yet come ooner alwayes than they are welcome. They will walk a Mile, and pend an hour to tell any one how urgent their Buines is, and what hat they are in to be gone. Their Expedition is their greatet Los, For Time is the only thing that lies heavy upon their hands. They are walking Gazetts, that carry News from one Neighbour to another, and have their Stages about the Town as regular and certain, as a Penny Potman. Every Man is their acquaintance, but no Man their Friend. They drudge for every Body, and are paid by no nono [sic] Body, and tho&rsquo; their Lives be worn out in endeavours to oblige all Mankind, when they die no one regrets their Los, or mies their Service. There are another ort of Impertinents, who, as they mind not the Buines of other Men where it concerns &rsquo;em not, neglect it likewie where it does; and amue themelves continually with the Contemplation of thoe things, which the ret of the World light as ueles, and below their regard. Of thee the mot Egregious is the Virtuoo, who is one that has old an Etate in Land to purchae one in Scallop, Conch, Mucle, Cockle Shells, Periwinkles, Sea Shrubs, Weeds, Moes, Sponges, Coralls, Corallines, Sea Fans, Pebbles, Marchaites and Flint tones; and has abandon&rsquo;d the Acquaintance and Society of Men for that of Inects, Worms, Grubbs, Maggots, Flies, Moths, Locuts, Beetles, Spiders, Grahoppers, Snails, Lizards and Tortoies. His tudy is like Noah&rsquo;s Ark, the general Rendezvous of all Creatures in the Univere, and the greatet part of his Moveables are the remainders of his Deluge. His Travels are not deign&rsquo;d as Viits to the Inhabitants of any Place, but to the Pits, Shores and Hills; from whence he fetches not the Treaure, but the Trumpery. He is ravih&rsquo;d at finding an uncommon hell, or an odd hap&rsquo;d Stone, and is deperately enamour&rsquo;d at firt ight of an unuual markt Butter-flie, which he will hunt a whole day to be Mater of. He trafficks to all places, and has his Correpondents in e&rsquo;ry part of the World; yet his Merchandizers erve not to promote our Luxury, nor increae our Trade, and neither enrich the Nation, nor himelf. A Box or two of Pebbles or Shells, and a dozen of Waps, Spiders and Caterpillars are his Cargoe. He values a Camelion or Salamanders egg above all the Sugars and Spices of the Wet and Eat-indies, and wou&rsquo;d give more for the Shell of a Star-fish or Sea Urchin entire, than for a whole Dutch Herring Fleet. He viites Mines, Colepits, and Quarries frequently, but not for that ordid end that other Men uually do, viz. gain; but for the ake of the foile Shells and Teeth that are ometimes found there. He is a matterer at Botany, but for fear of being upected of any ueful deign by it, he employs his curioity only about Moes, Graes, Brakes, Thitles, &c. that are not accus&rsquo;d of any vertue in Medicine, which he ditinguihes and divides very nicely. He preerves carefully thoe Creatures, which other Men indutriouly detroy, and cultivates edulouly thoe Plants, which others root up as Weeds. He is the Embalmer of deceas&rsquo;d Vermin, and drees his Mummyes with as much care, as the Ancient Egyptians did their Kings. His Cah conits much in old Coins, and he thinks the Face of Alexander in one of &rsquo;em worth more than all his Conquets. His Inventory is a lit of the Inects of all Countries, and the Shells and Pebbles of all Shores, which can no more be compleat without two or three of remarkable Signatures, than an Apothecaries Shop without a Tortoie and a Crocodile, or a Country Barber&rsquo;s without a batter&rsquo;d Cittern. A piece of Ore with a Shell in it is a greater Preent than if it were fine Gold, and a tring of Wampompeag is receiv&rsquo;d with more joy, than a Rope of Orient Pearl, or Diamonds wou&rsquo;d be. His Collection of Garden Snails, Cockle Shells and Vermine compleated, (as he thinks) he ets up for a Philoopher, and nothing les than Univeral Nature will erve for a Subject, of which he thinks he has an entire Hitory in his Lumber Office. Hence forward he truts and wells, and depies all thoe little inignificant Fellows, that can make no better ue of thoe noble incontetable Evidences of the Univeral Deluge, Scallop and Oyter Shells, than to tew Oyters, or melt Brimtone for Matches. By this time he thinks it neceary to give the World an Eay of his Parts, that it may think as highly of &rsquo;em (if poible) as he does himelf; and finding Moes hard beet of late, he reolves to give him a lift, and defend his Flood, to which he is o much oblig&rsquo;d for paring his darling Toys only. But as great Maters ue, he corrects him ometimes for not peaking to his Mind, and gives him the lie now and then in order to upport his Authority. He hakes the World to Atoms with eae, which melts before him as readily as if it were nothing but a Ball of Salt. He pumps even the Center, and drains it of imaginary tores by imaginary Loopholes, as if punching the Globe full of holes cou&rsquo;d make his Hypotheis hold Water. He is a Man of Expedition, and does that in a few days, which cot Moes ome Months to compleat. He is a Paionate Admirer of his own Works without a Rival, and uperciliouly contemns all Anwers, yet the leat Objection throws him into the Vapours. He ets up for a grand Philoopher, and palms Hypothees upon the World, which future Ages may (if they pleae) expect to hear his Arguments for; at preent he is in no humour to give &rsquo;em any other atisfaction than his own word, that he is infallible. Yet thoe that have a Faith complacent enough to take a Gentleman&rsquo;s word for his own great Abilities, may perhaps be admitted to a ight of his grand Demontration, his Raree Show; the particulars of which he repeats to &rsquo;em in a whining Tone, e&rsquo;ry whit as formal and merry, though not o Muical, as the Fellows that ued formerly to carry theirs at their Backs. His ordinary dicoure is of his Travels under Ground, in which he has gone farther (if he may be believ&rsquo;d) than a whole Warren of Conies. Here he began his Collection of Furniture for his Philoophical Toy Shop, which he will conclude with his Fortune, and then like all Fleh revert to the place from whence he came, and be tranlated only from one Shop to another. This, Madam, is another ort of Impertinence our Sex are not liable to; one wou&rsquo;d think that none but Mad Men, or highly Hypochondriacal, cou&rsquo;d employ themelves at this rate. I appeal to you, or indeed to any Man of Sene, whether acts like the wier Animal; the man that with great care, and pains ditinguihes and divides the many Varieties of Gras, and finds no other Fruit of his labour, than the charging of his Memory with abundance of uperfluous Names; or the As that eats all promicuously, and without ditinction, to atisfy his Appetite and upport Nature. To what purpoe is it, that thee Gentlemen ranack all Parts both of Earth and Sea to procure thee Triffles? It is only that they may give their Names to ome yet unchriten&rsquo;d Shell or Inect. I know that the deire of knowledge, and the dicovery of things yet unknown is the Pretence; But what Knowledge is it? What Dicoveries do we owe to their Labours? It is only the Dicovery of ome few unheeded Varieties of Plants, Shells, or Inects, unheeded only becaue ueles; and the Knowledge, they boat o much of, is no more than a Regiter of their Names, and Marks of Ditinction only. It is enough for them to know that a Silk Worm is a ort of Caterpiller, that when it is come to maturity Weaves a Web, is metamorphos&rsquo;d to a Moth-Flye, lays Eggs, and o Dies. They leave all further enquiry to the Unlearned and Mechanicks, whoe buines only they think it to proecute matters of Gain and Profit. Let him contrive, if he can, to make this Silk erviceable to Mankind; their Speculations have another Scope, which is the founding ome wild, uncertain, conjectural Hypotheis, which may be true or fale; yet Mankind neither Gainers nor Loers either way a little in point of Widom or Convenience. Thee Men are jut the revere of a Rattle Snake, and carry in their Heads, what he does in his Tail, and move Laughter rather than Regard. What improvements of Phyick, or any ueful Arts, what noble Remedies, what erviceable Intruments have thee Muhrome, and Cockle hell Hunters oblig&rsquo;d the World with? For I am ready to recant if they can hew o good a Med&rsquo;cine as Stew&rsquo;d Prunes, or o neceary an Intrument as a Flye Flap of their own Invention and Dicovery. Yet thee are the Men of exalted Undertandings, the Men of elevated Capacities, and ublime Speculations, that Dignifie and Ditinguih themelves from the ret of the World by Specious Names, and Pompous Titles, and continue notwithtanding as very Reptiles in Sene, as thoe they convere o much with. I wou&rsquo;d not have any Body mitake me o far, as to think I wou&rsquo;d in the leat reflect upon any incere, and intelligent Enquirer into Nature, of which I as heartily wih a better knowledge, as any Vertuoo of &rsquo;em all. You can be my Witnes, Madam, that I us&rsquo;d to ay, I thought Mr. Boyle more honourable for his learned Labours, than for his Noble Birth; and that the Royal Society, by their great and celebrated Performances, were an Illutrious Argument of the Widom of the August Prince, their Founder of happy Memory; and that they highly merited the Eteem, Repect and Honour paid &rsquo;em by the Lovers of Learning all Europe over. But tho&rsquo; I have a very great Veneration for the Society in general, I can&rsquo;t but put a vat difference between the particular Members that compoe it. Were Supererogation a Doctrine in Fahion, &rsquo;tis probable ome of &rsquo;em might borrow of their Fellows merit enough to jutifie their Arrogance, but alas they are come an Age too late for that trick; They are fallen into a Faithles, Incredulous Generation of Men that will give credit no farther than the viible Stock will extend: And tho&rsquo; a Vertuoo hould well a Title-Page even till it burt with large Promies, and onorous Titles, the World is o ill natur&rsquo;d as not to think a whit the better of a Book for it. &rsquo;Tis an ill time to trade with implicite Faith, when o many have o lately been broken by an overtock of that Commodity; no ooner now a days can a Man write, or teal an Hypotheis, and promie a Demontration for it hereafter in this or the next World; but out comes ome malicious Anwer or other, with Reaons in hand againt it, overthrows the credit of it, and puts the poor Author into Fits. For though a great Philoopher that has written a Book of three Shillings may reaonably inult, and depie a ix penny Anwer, yet the Indignity of o low pric&rsquo;d a Refutation wou&rsquo;d make a Stoick fret, and Frisk like a Cow with a Breeze in her Tail, or a Man bitten by a Tarantula. Men meaure themelves by their Vanity, and are greater or les in their own Opinions, according to the proportion they have of it; if they be well tock&rsquo;d with it, it may be eaie to confute, but impoible to convince &rsquo;em. He therefore that wou&rsquo;d et up for a great Man, ought firt to be plentifully provided of it, and then a Score of Cockle Shells, a dozen of Hodmandods, or any Triffle ele is a ufficient Foundation to build a Reputation upon. But if a Man hall abdicate his lawful Calling in pure affection to thee things, and has for ome years pent all the Time and Money he was Mater of in proecution of this Paion, and hall after all hear his Caterpillars affronted, and his Butter-flies irreverently poken of, it mut be more provoking to him, than &rsquo;tis to a Lion to be pull&rsquo;d by the Beard. And if, when to crown all his Labours, he has dicover&rsquo;d a Water o near a kin to the famous one, that cou&rsquo;d be kept in nothing but the hoof of an As, that it was never found but in the Scull of the ame Animal; a Water that makes no more of melting a World, than a Dutchman does of a Ferkin of Butter; and when he has written a Book of Dicoveries, and Wonders thereupon, if (I ay) the Impertinent Scriblers of the Age, will till be demanding Proofs and writing Anwers, he has reaon to throw down his Pen in a rage, and pronounce the world, that cou&rsquo;d give him uch an interruption, unworthy to be blet with his future labours, and breath eternal Defiance to it, as irreconcilable, as the quarrel of the Sons of Oedipus. To which prudent Reolution, let us leave him till he can recover his Temper. Thee Intances, Madam, will (I hope) uffice to hew that Men are themelves altogether as impertinent, as they maliciouly mirepreent us. It is not for want of plenty of others that I content my elf with thee; but I am not willing to trouble you with any of an inferiour Character. Thee are all impertinents of Mark and Note, and have everally the good fortune to find crowds of Fools of their own Sex to applaud and admire them. Impertinence is a failing, that has its Root in Nature; but it is not worth Laughing at, till it has receiv&rsquo;d the finihing trokes of Art. A Man through natural defects may do abundance of incoherent, foolih Actions, yet deerve Compaion and Advice rather than Deriion. But to ee Men pending their Fortunes, as well as Lives, in a coure of Regular Folly, and with an indutrious, as well as expenive Idlenes running through tedious Sytems of impertinence, wou&rsquo;d have plit the ides of Heraclitus, had it been his fortune to have been a Spectator. &rsquo;Tis very eaie to decide which of thee Impertinents is the mot ignal; the Vertuoo is manifetly without a Competitour. For our Follies are not to be meaur&rsquo;d by the degree of Ignorance, that appears in &rsquo;em, but by the Study, Labour and Expence they cot us to finih and compleat &rsquo;em. So that the more Regularity and Artifice there appears in any of our Extravagancies, the greater is the folly of &rsquo;em. Upon this Score it is, that the lat mention&rsquo;d deervedly claim the preference to all others; they have improv&rsquo;d o well their Amuements into an Art, that the Credulous and Ignorant are induc&rsquo;d to believe there is ome ecret Vertue, ome hidden Mytery in thoe darling toys of theirs; when all their Butling amounts to no more than a learned Impertinence, (for o they abue the Term) and all they teach Men is, but a pecious expenive method of throwing away both Time and Money.